For a really, really long time I was floating. At first I thought goals were silly, and people who lived simple lives were the happiest, so why try? As I got older, I wanted “things” so that wouldn’t work. I developed some vague goals like “be succesful” and “achieve something you can be proud of” and “get rich”, but had no specific plan for how to do those things. I suppose it started when I was child. In school, I barely ever did homework and often didn’t study for tests. At home I was watching TV or playing video games, and since I wasn’t (and still am not) athletic my social life was modest to put it lightly. By high school I was was not in school very often, and when I was- it was to be the class clown. Throughout those years I was a B+ student. My teachers would always tell my parents that I was smart, but if I applied myself I can get A’s. I would scoff, and think to myself “Of course they said that, what teacher wants to tell parents their child is mediocre…”
My college years were an extension of my school years, but on a grander scale. Most class attendance wasn’t mandatory so I didn’t go. After all, I only picked my college to get out my hometown and go to parties. And I did just that. Junior year rolled around and I still hadn’t picked a major. At that point my only passion was guitar, but I struggled with the idea of being a musician as a life. So in the meeting with my guidance counselor, I picked psychology because it seemed easy enough. I think I was secretly hoping it would give me some insight into my own psychology. It didn’t, at least not really. I ended up graduating cum laude with a B.S. in Psychology from SUNY Buffalo, with no plans to get into the field. What I really got was a different kind of BS.
Once I was out of college I realized how lost I was. I had no idea how to move forward. I applied for jobs and floundered in interviews. Eventually, my uncle got me a job in construction management on a more than liveable salary. I thought I had gamed the system. That is, until I saw my friends start to surpass me in their professional and personal lives. I realized I had once again screwed myself out of a better situation by doing the bare minimum. I became miserable. As the project I was on came to an end I was let go from that job. I quickly picked up another job, doing operations for a health food company. The mission was great, but I was still unfulfilled. I was doing something that I felt was not for me. It definitely showed in my work.
After a year at this new company, I decided it was time to move on. I approached my more successful friend and asked him for help applying to new jobs. We sat there for a night trying to look for ways I could spin my resume to get me into a different industry. Essentially we looked for different ways I could BS my way into a new job. Just the thought of going back to interviews and just “faking it till I made it” was enough to give me sleep-wrecking anxiety. However, besdies anxiety I gained something else- some insight into myself. I realized I did not want to fake it. I wanted to be good at something. This was the first step.
After that epiphany, I rode down a seeming avalanche of self discovery. I wanted to be good at something. No, great at something. What else did I want? I wanted to create. Creation is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I want to be great at creating something. Well, with my lack of dexterity my options were certainly limited. What else? I want to hone a craft! Awesome. Something that let’s me do all those things? Coding.
Now I won’t sit here and say that now that I’ve finally found my purpose in life, my mission. No glorious symphony of personal triumph played in my heart when I decided to do this. But I damn well think this is something I should try. Who knows, maybe if I do more than the bare minimum I can be great…